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Another story from your's truly.

This one is a little bit stranger than my previous pieces and can best be described as surreal horror. If you like strange little horror stories, please give it a read.

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The Goodbye I use way too often:

"Thank you, small human. Your continual existence pleases me. Please do not cease to exist."


The movie ends with all the meat covered robots taking human dates to prom. They all dance as Kam Puter and his human boyfriend DJ on stage.

On his first day undercover, he approaches the popular kids and says, in a janky, electronic voice. "Yes I am human child. I like doing human child things. Take a whiff of that oxygen. Mmmmm, crisp."

And the high school quarter back takes a deep breath and says. "You know, it is pretty crisp oxygen. You're pretty cool, new kid."

Eventually Kam puter becomes the most popular kid in school and has to convince the other robots that humans are worth living with.

Computers gain sentience. They Decide to kill all human. They run a program to determine who is the biggest threat to the machines and then send an assassin to take him out while he is still in High School.

Enter Kam Puter. He is a laptop slathered in bloody steaks and sausages, wearing a school uniform dripping with blood.

Fun facts about the British Empire:

It was bad.

Woman: My friend over there said to tell you that you're hot.

Me: Tell her she's fallen into my trap.

Woman: What trap?

Me: I'm not hot, I just wanted people to think I'm hot for my nefarious schemes.

Woman: Nefarious schemes?

Me: Yes, like making out with me. And going on dates.

Woman: I don't think that's a scheme, I think that's just you being hot.

Me: Foolish fool, I am at best a 7, it is only through hours of makeup and clothing choices that I have become an 8.

Woman: Oh honey.

I had three mutually contradicting plans for this weekend and no matter what I did I knew I was going to let down someone,

Then I got sick

now I can disappoint everyone :D

My face, some intense EC 

Set the next Fallout in a jungle filled with acid rain, irradiated mist, and mutated, man eating plants.

I want my jungle hell!

Me: Ok so like I was watching this doco about the historic Jesus, and there was this scene of John the Baptist baptising Jesus in the river. he's holding him so tightly, so tenderly, and suddenly he dunks Jesus beneath the water and Jesus rises soaking wet with a look of pure love in his eyes and you just know, you just know, he wants to make out with John. so I started to write some fanfic-

Satan: And this is why you ended up in Hell?

Me: I'm sorry what were we talking about again?

What is even the point of immortality if they're still going to arrest you for mooning all those losers in graveyards?

Me: *teary eyed, sitting in a darkened room* I wish I wasn't single.

Tinder: Someone just messaged you!


Me: *wistfully sighs*

Me: Why am I so lonely?

the "is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow" speech is fundamentally flawed as it assumes men are entitled to anything

Friend: So, I finally got your computer to work.

Me: Oh sweet, what was wrong with it?

Friend: In layman's terms, it was broken.

Me: *Googles "How to find a date."*

Google: Talk to people.

Me: *throws away laptop*

Me: Nope.

The line between friendly and flirty is approximately the width of the Grand Canyon and just as scarey for the budding lesbian to cross.

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