recognizing misapplied death etiquette (thread) 

i wish more people understood the difference between "don't speak ill of the dead" and "i don't feel bad that [politician who did a lot of serious harm they never regretted] died, and i absolutely understand feeling relieved, but encouraging people to party or delight in their death doesn't actually do anything to help the people they directly harmed or fix the problems they caused"

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recognizing misapplied death etiquette (thread) 

the former is misapplied death etiquette. the latter is criticism of vengefulness and is fully compatible with saying that the deceased was a bad person.

i don't think that it's bad to feel relief or even positive emotions when someone dies. because we don't choose our emotions. but we can choose whether to feed them. and encouraging vengeful feelings or purposefully delighting in the suffering of an enemy are incompatible with healing the world.

· SubwayTooter · 1 · 0 · 2

recognizing misapplied death etiquette (thread) 

i want to set a good example for my child, and that involves never delighting in someone's pain, no matter how bad a person is or how good it might feel for me to see them suffer. i want her to learn that it's human to feel pleasure if someone who hurt you is feeling pain. but i don't want her to think that those feelings are a good framework for how to treat people.

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recognizing misapplied death etiquette (thread) 

i don't have a TL;DR version of this and i also thought i'd have more words

(end of thread until i think of more, i guess)

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recognizing misapplied death etiquette (thread) 

@metapianycist
I recognize this as an important part of Jewish education, idk if you thought of it that way or whether other religions teach this too. But it reminds me of the practice of 10 drops of wine from your cup for the 10 plagues during passover (which is a very important detail for me) and how God was angry that the Hebrews celebrated the yam suf massacre because even the pharaoh's soldiers are God's creations

recognizing misapplied death etiquette (thread) 

@metapianycist i wasn't sure whether to respond publicly, subtoot or respond in DM

there is nuance to this that applies to abuse victims, and potential gaslighting that victims of said abuse suffer when they're being told they can't celebrate deaths of their abusers

because i certainly choose to celebrate the deaths and suffering of my abusers

whether it's ideal, i don't know, i sure believe it's healthy and more valid than being told i shouldn't

recognizing misapplied death etiquette (thread) 

@metapianycist i meant my response in the least hostile way possible, i just needed to bring this up because your line of reasoning (at least how i perceive it) was used in the past against me and against my moral integrity

recognizing misapplied death etiquette, abuse 

@metapianycist when my abusers died, i was quick to "forgive them" and felt shame whenever i didn't feel bad for them

years later, i realised i don't have to forgive them, i never will, and that's fine, and i felt much better

years after that, i realised that them dying was one of the best things that happened to me, learned to celebrate that, and asserted that if my recovery depends on tarnishing them and their memory, i will do so with no shame

recognizing misapplied death etiquette, abuse 

@kiilas thank you for sharing this. it can absolutely be empowering to allow yourself to feel positive emotions about the death of someone who abused you.

"celebrating" was maybe not a good word choice on my part. i was referring to situations like the part of the passover seder @malkosh mentions

recognizing misapplied death etiquette, abuse 

@kiilas your comments have been helpful in my figuring out both better wording and how to better validate the emotions of abuse survivors.

recognizing misapplied death etiquette, abuse 

@metapianycist thank you 💜

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