@alva I’m still waiting for the kaiju movie where the landvættir battle the sì xiàng

eye contact 

@enum @maris oh my poor heart 💘 💘 :blobaww: :blobaww:

elilla boosted

polyamory, jealousy 

I see a lot of material on how to deal with one’s own jealousy when you’re polyam, but little on how to deal with your partners’ jealousy. This is my personal take on it, reflecting my own experiences. I won’t cushion my statements with "I think that…" or "in my view…" this time, or this long toot would get too repetitive; but please don’t take me for any kind of authority, ok? I’m just making it up as I go like everybody else x3

The most important thing to keep in mind is that you can’t blame them for their feelings, argue them out of feelings, or convince them to not have feelings. It’s easy to fall into that trap, because it feels bad for you to be treated as the cause of jealousy; it feels like an unfair accusation, like you’re being punished for loving. If A is going to see B and C is feeling sad because of that, then A (who was happy about seeing B) will naturally feel guilty, worried and sad. It’s easy for A to feel like their time with B was unfairly ruined; that everything would be alright if it wasn’t for C’s dastardly feelings. But C can’t be held responsible for _feeling bad_. They don’t want to feel bad, and they would avoid it if they could. Since C consented to a polyam relationship, chances are C doesn’t even want to feel jealous. But they do. It’s just a thing that happens, and it’s nobody’s fault.

Of course, the appropriate response to that is _not_ for A to call B and say whoops sorry I can’t see you today. That would breach the fundamental boundary: what A does with their time is theirs to decide, what A and B do together is for A+B to decide. C should not hold power over this. But C is entitled to feel sad; feeling sad is not the same as prohibiting. If their sadness reverberates in A, it’s up to A to deal with their own feelings. Moreover, A should take care to treat C in such a way, that C feels safe and encouraged to express their feelings, even difficult ones. That’s one core responsibility of being in a relationship.

The step A has to take in this situation is the hardest thing I’ve ever faced in relationships, which is to say something like:

“I understand that you feel bad about this, and I care about you and I’m willing to do anything I can to help you feel better; but this is important to me, and I am going there now.”

If you’re conflict-averse like me, your first reaction is to try to compromise on everything, to please the people, to respect everybody’s needs but your own. I’ve learned (from #relationshipAnarchy) to be sceptical of compromising for love. Maybe it’s ok to compromise on small things, you prefer listening to music on a speaker but they dislike the noise so you accept putting on headphones. But don’t compromise on your values, your boundaries and needs and dreams, the stuff that makes you you. If you are drawn to polyamory, your spirit will wither without it, and you have to make this need bright and clear, draw a boundary around it.

This doesn’t mean you have to abandon ppl at the first sign of jealousy or difficulty, of course. Since you love them, it’s a given that you care about their feelings and want them to be happy. You can and should listen to their needs, make yourself available to support them, as long as that doesn’t involve self-destructive compromises.

(If they are absolutely 100% irrevocably unhappy about being in a polyam relationship, and being polyam is core to you, then it might be a good idea to consider whether you aren’t both better off as friends rather than lovers. But since they knowingly embarked in a polyam relationship, they must have some attraction of their own to it; and then chances are there’s ways to make it work.)

I like to think of listening to what’s _behind_ the jealousy. Jealousy is a surface emotion, like pain; it sprouts from underlying causes. With queer people, the cause is not usually (the toxic kind of) possessiveness, typical of abusive relationships. Rather, most often the cause is insecurity, self-doubt, fear of abandonment: "B is so cool and pretty, there's nothing interesting about me, you'll get tired of me after being with them". If you spot that feeling, think how you can address it without compromising on your time with B. Maybe write messages to C regularly, every day, or before and after seeing B. Tell them not only that you love them, but give them reasons why. Tell them you want to continue to be with them. Demonstrate it with actions. Do that often; fear of abandonment has deep roots and won’t go away easily.

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Silly 

The Book of Genesis is called The Book of Mega Drive outside of North America.

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love 

i love my loves so much

they are so >u<
I wanna just,,
nnng :BlobCatBlush:

im in love, multiplily :blobblush:

new shoes, size dysphoria adjacent 

@IngaLovinde I'm afraid Amazon 🙇‍♀️ "CuteFlats" shop, aka Longquanyiqu damianjieban from Chengdu

@the_all took me a moment to realise it was the game, it was a fun 1.5sec

@TQ it's a great coat, congrats on the repairing 😌

speaking Iberian is fun cause there's like Portuguese, Castillan, Català, Galician, Asturian, Leonese, Mirandese and if you're fluent in one you can read all others without needing to study them first.

It feels like the linguistic equivalent of musical variations on a theme, always the same underlying structure but with a distinctive flavour for each.

cw request 

please cw posts about animal products being used as food, with something more descriptive than just "food".

dream 

inadvertently became part of all-girl mercenary squad while playing with kittens in empty lot. this nemesis of theirs, a giant obnoxious invulnerable guy, grew a grudge about me in particular. leader was cryptic, told me to keep distance. couldn't get combat boots on properly. bullets did nothing. guy kept talking toxically. really thought I'd die, but suddenly he self-exploded into a large crater after saying something offensive. turns out he was owned by Disney and they don't allow that

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(Umfrage)

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job search, tech 

@IngaLovinde that's a good tip for the long term, but I feel like I still have to get a job at _anywhere_ that will have me, urgently, to avoid deportation, and the more I increase the chances the safer... I'm not seeing many jobs in the area that accept ppl with just English :x

me: I will play this dating game in German, talking with a gf in German sounds like a good way to practice the language so let's try to simulate that

also me: dates 4 German speakers irl, uses English with all of them

voice training, adhd things 

I think I'm on Zheanna's feedback tier on Patron for like 3 months but haven't sent her a single clip yet, cause doing things is hard. finally took the courage to do that.

I think I have managed to make my voice sound fem, but there are lingering issues:

- it sounds effortful/strained to me
- I can't sustain it for long
- it's hard to do it at a low volume
- sometimes it mutes when changing pitch

it's a hard place to be cause I don't know what to work on atm.

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voice training, shouty, High Valyrian, Game of Thrones 

wanted to play with speaking at a higher volume/shout, so I did my favourite piece of High Valyrian dialogue. it's kinda fun to shout things 🙈 I can't say my shouty voice sounds good or pleasant but it doesn't sound male to me and that's the most important thing.

I was going to say ‘finally did my nails for autumn, lots of mistakes tho,’ but you know what – I'm going through a lot, I'm going to just celebrate that I did a thing in these conditions :blobcoffee:

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