cute and dangerous @austenitic@queer.party

i don't need to leave this place
just how i'm feeling and thinking
i don't want to kill myself
just overwrite the man i was trying to be
let the woman i am emerge

i should've worn a hat

if you would like to interact with me more and you are hornt/don't mind seeing horntness, i've been more active as @biofilm lately. i welcome follow requests <3

i don't hate myself
i hate
the shape
the form i was spilled into

get uncomfortable my relationship to sex and gender will never be normalized and that's ok!

thinking about what to learn before i have the time and energy to learn things: classice me lol

i used to try to blame my problems on needing people. i still try to sometimes. but it only seemed like the problem because social things felt so bad. i was forced to connect in ways that contradict basic aspects of myself, a much more complex problem.

how to feel less lonely around people. how to enter a space i have developed complicated feelings about without putting those feelings in front. how to start over.

how to feel free of my own past.

how to be part of a group

someone told me a while ago that my shit isn't going to go away, but that i can find ways to make it less dysfunctional. like, the emotions that drive me will still be there.

and i'm finding that i burn a lot of energy anticipating social interaction, often anticipating and worrying about conflict.

so i just need to figure out how to make that work for me haha

3- the sun you knew is gone, and the only things that matter hover in your vision, lit by the flickering Arc

2- a world where you guide a tiny sun that casts deep shadows into endless night

the showering protocol for reentering the house feels a little like my housemates encouraging self care

welding is like peering into a much darker parallel world

just...staring into the distance

i feel like my nostrils are narrower after being on feminizing hormones for a few months, is that a thing?

i had a video appointment to pick up transition care with my new insurer today. it was such a long time coming and kinda anti climactic, but so good to be through another step, maybe i can be talking to a therapist again soon.

thinking about streaming some video art tonight, if nothing else to ease the loneliness for other people.

i don't want to deal with moderating chat though

time to bake more biscuits

not sure how to get through a sudden sadness in less than a few hours - it's frustrating because i'm here for it, i want to work at it, and i've been trying things without any sense of having an effect.

implying that i set that leg and yes i did

it is a mystery to me how 3 shifts can work a station with wobbly equipment and no one sets the fourth leg

it would be really useful to me to control a webcam's shutter speed when capturing video via ffmpeg, not seeing anything online about that. *resigned shrug*

all rib cage no boob, this is my struggle

incept date
except date?