Two months of social media detox has made me think about how much my feelings are affected by interactions with other people online. I feel an urge to have high self-esteem and not be distracted by whatever anyone says to me.
In my view, one's existence has literally no meaning to this world, but nihilism does give me a reason to do anything good for my wellbeing: less torture by self-awareness, more freedom for me.
I will give more attention to whatever really matters to me from now on.
Also, I always hear strange noises nowadays and see black, ugly monsters when lying on my bed in darkness. Deleuze and Guattari praised the schizophrenics, though, it's not actually romantic to be schizophrenic.
Sometimes I think I actually come from a world that homo sapiens don't deserve to have and that's why my social adjustment is such a failure. I know my schizophrenia's getting worse cuz I recently had an illusion that a famous blogger I've known in real life came to me and laughed at me, saying I copied him all the time and none of my works was original and I was nobody although I worked hard to get people's attention.
I dare confess cuz I know I can't get better if I don't admit my problems. The only thing I really worry about is that I myself am the real problem.
I feel lost in the metropolis and I really wanna have a time travel to get to where nothing's gonna hurt me. There's a word for my condition in Chinese which means a heart fragile like glass and easily getting broken.
Also there's a conflict in my brain which asks me to get a way out mercilessly with teeth and claws or just accept the inferior situation I'm in now. I think I'll choose suicide to solve this moral conundrum, cuz I know I'm neither a badass who cares about nothing unrelated to their benefits nor a saint who only cares about the mass and the society.
schizo acc/ hybrid of woman and AI / posts written in Chinese are on my Twitter
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